Goodbyes and Struggles...

Almost a week ago, we said goodbye to our missionary for two years.  It was harder than I thought it would be... but Josh and kids thought it was easier.  He was anxious and ready to go and begin this adventure- so I had to let him go.  When we left the airport, I felt like I couldn't breath.  Like someone had kicked me in the stomach.  I couldn't talk, I couldn't think, I almost couldn't walk.  I went home and collapsed on my bed and cried.  We were packing the car for a trip to Lake Powell, but I needed some time to be okay- so Josh and the kids let me have some alone time while they packed the car.  I didn't feel okay for awhile.  I worried about him and how he was feeling/ what he was doing.  Then on the facebook group- one of the parents posted this photo below that gave me a little peace...

Seeing his smile and knowing he was not alone was reassuring to me...  Early the next morning we left for Lake Powell and as we were driving I thought of him and prayed for him as he was flying in the air.  In Lake Powell we didn't have good reception on the houseboat (which was a blessing, because I couldn't check my phone for an email every 2.5 seconds) but on Friday we went into the Marina and he had written!!! What joy filled my soul to know that he was safe... it was brief - introduced his companion from Nigeria; Elder Davies;  they can't communicate very well, the food is nasty (his words), the flight was long and awful (no movies/ no games) but he survived.  We don't know when he will write again- not sure of his preparation day when he can write.  So every day, we are waiting... waiting.. waiting... checking... checking... checking ... the email to see if he has written.  I awoke early this morning with a feeling that he was struggling - perhaps he is hungry because he doesn't like the food and doesn't know what to eat.. perhaps he is having a hard time not communicating with his companion and with the language, perhaps he is tired and weary from the rigorous schedule... chances are he is feeling all of these things and more. Before he left, he gave me a blessing of comfort and reminded me that when I am struggling he will also be struggling... so we can struggle together:).  I pray that he will find comfort and peace and strength to carry on... I pray that he will continue to have faith that he is in the right place and this is exactly what he needs to be doing.  I pray that Heavenly Father will give me the peace and reassurance that he is doing okay. 

Called to Serve...

It is embarrassing that I haven't written for awhile.  A lot has happened ... if you can imagine. Last I wrote, I was in the middle of mothering five children who were under my roof most of the time.  It's an all consuming thing ... parenting.  And another thing... it goes so quickly.  As it has been said; "The days pass slowly... the week, months, and years pass quickly. "  Fast forward (almost) four years to now-  my oldest just graduated and in 5 days will be flying off to begin his mission in the Ghana missionary training center to serve in The Cote d'Ivoire , Yamoussoukro mission, my second will be entering his junior year in high school, my third will be in 9th grade, my fourth will be in 6th grade (this one boggles my mind) and my baby and fifth will be entering 1st grade- WOW!  Time flies when you are having fun, right?  Well, it hasn't always been fun and games.  Parenting is a mixed bag; highs and lows, tears of joy and tears of sadness, good times and bad times- just like life.  What has always remained constant and ever present is our love of God, love of each other, belief in eternal families and the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  Having taught these principles to my own children- it is thrilling to think that now, Harrison, our first born, will be teaching the people in his mission for two years about something that has shaped his own life and has been the center of our own family;  This Gospel.  How grateful I am to have the knowledge that I have of a true and living God who cares and loves each one of his children (yes, you and me)  and wants us to live with our families for eternity.  As the world becomes more corrupt and more confused about what is truth and what is right,  I pray that i will always stay close to the spirit to discern and know what is true and what is right- and that each one of my children will do the same. I plan to continue writing to help me through sending a missionary off in the next few days.  I have heard that it is an event that is truly the highest of highs and the lowest of lows for a mother.  It is a weird thing to think of sending my child; a person that has been under my wing from the time he was born until now- 18 years later-  to a strange land - to only communicate with him through email ( every week- hopefully!!) and on the phone at Christmas and Mother's Day.  I have raised my children with the desire and tried to prepare them for this day- but now that it is upon us- it seems unnatural to want to do so.  I pray that we will be comforted as we go through these next few days, weeks, months, and two years. 

Finding Strength Beyond My Own

 

A few weeks ago, school began.  Now we have a 9th grader & a  7th grader at the same school (junior high is 7-9), a 5th grader, a 2nd grader and I have my little 'baby' (2.5 year old )girl home with me.  She had the opportunity to go to a preschool- but it didn't make sense financially and frankly, I love having her home with me.  It is actually not a burden at all to have her around.  She is such a joy and after sending four off to school - I realize how fast the time goes.  Naturally when a new school year begins, it seems like my 'school' year begins.  I start thinking of the goals I want to accomplish, what I want to learn, and how to keep my family organized, well fed, etc.

This year more than ever, I am really trying to rely on the spiritual to pull me through.  I am a stubborn person (yes, I admit it) and I normally rely on true grit to get me through.  But, I am getting older and tired, and I don't think I can keep this up much longer.  Luckily, I don't have to.

None of us have to rely entirely on our own strength.  We have all been given a great gift.  This gift is the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  Growing up, I always thought that the Atonement was only to wash away our sins.  Yes, that is essential part of the Atonement and one we all need, because we are all sinners, but I am learning that the Atonement is more expansive and far reaching than I have ever realized.  It is not only for my sins, but for my shortcomings, for my weaknesses and for my struggles.  What a beautiful thing to think that when I feel weak, exhausted, sad, depressed- I can rest my burden at the Saviors feet.  It doesn't make it go away-  it makes it bearable, it lightens my load and gives me hope beyond my own limited capacity.  

Fulfilling all my responsibilities and roles can be, frankly, overwhelming.  I have learned that the more I depend on the Lord and his promises and that when I seek for his spiritual strength and guidance... it doesn't seem so overwhelming anymore.  I can see clearly where my energies should go and I seem to accomplish the things that are most important.  

In Matthew 6:33 it reads;

 ^"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness;

and all these things shall be added unto you."

This year I will seek to use the gift of Atonement more fully in my life.  This year I will seek first for the things spiritual and have Faith that when I put the Lords' will first he will help me with everything else in my life.  

How do you use the Atonement to strengthen and bless your life? 

Why Fingerprints?

 

A few years ago when I had three little boys running around most of the day my house never seemed to be clean and I have to tell you it drove me crazy!  I ran in circles picking up after them constantly.  Then one day I decided that enough was enough!  I would let the house be messy, and wait until the end of the day to clean up... one time!!  Needless to say, I was much calmer and had more time to spend with them and do fun things.  That I will never regret!  Well, while I was "letting go" of the perfection- someone in my family came over - and said, "You know, you really should clean these fingerprints off your walls."  To be honest, I didn't really notice them before this moment.   As I examined them,  I thought to myself, "Clean them? No way!  I want them to be there forever.. to remind me of my little ones and the great times we had together."  From that moment on, I looked at the fingerprints on my walls [that came to my waist],  as little gifts.  Needless to say, I didn't clean off the fingerprints,  and yes, slowly they have disappeared from my walls and have been replaced by other little dainty fingerprints of  two little girls  and fingerprints that are getting to be at my eye level as my boys are growing up.  I love seeing them.  It reminds me of the little hands and big hands that surround me and the amazing responsibility I have to take these hands into mine and teach them about life, about doing things with their own hands to help others, to be creative, to love, to serve, to work.... etc.  Fingerprints on my walls reminds me that my life is very imperfect but through the imperfection we learn.  We learn to patient.  We learn to let the little things go.  We learn to focus on what really matters.  Yes, if I didn't have all these fingerprints around me, my life wouldn't be so messy.  My life would be less complicated, easier, and less dramatic.  But in turn, I wouldn't be surrounded by so much joy and love.  One day, I won't have these beautiful fingerprints constantly surrounding me. These fingerprints will move on and create their own little fingerprints in their own homes.  Hopefully when I visit them, I will be able to remind them how precious these little fingerprints are and how quickly they disappear.  I will miss the constant commotion, the messiness of my life, and the little hands that I will hold into mine anytime I want.  These fingerprints symbolize the memories of my little ones and the importance of relationships.  Needless to say;           I love fingerprints on my walls!!

Transparency...

 Why is it that as humans we want others to see us only at our best?  Do we think that showing others our struggles that we are showing them that we are weak?  I don't think so.  I think if we are not able to share with others our weaknesses and our struggles than we don't have any true friends or real connections with others.  I also believe that if we aren't able to share with others what we have gone through and how we have triumphed we are not contributing to humanity.  Perhaps it is uncomfortable and distressing to hear the truth.  But we can all relate to each other in some way if we share with others our true stories.  I just attended an event that was put together for a woman who has breast cancer.  She has three young children and a loving husband.  She is a beautiful person inside and out.  It was amazing to see many many friends, neighbors, old college friends, people from the community, come together to help this beautiful family raise money so that they will be able to fight for their cause; her precious life.  I am sure that if you asked each person who put in hours of service, donated goods and services, and attended this event-  each one would say that they felt it an honor to be able and help in some way- large or small.  Just imagine if this woman with cancer kept her struggles a secret.  If she decided that it was just to much to share or if it would be embarrassing to admit that they couldn't do it alone.  That they wanted to do everything they could to fight, but wouldn't be able to pay for what lay ahead.  She wouldn't have given hundreds of people the opportunity to serve and help her and her family- and we wouldn't feel the joy that comes from helping others and learning that in spite of our trials, we do the best we can.  When we help others - our lives become more meaningful and less mundane.  We are able to appreciate the simple things in life. We need each other.  We need to learn from each other.  It is important and valuable to know our stories- to share our stories with those around us.  When I know the stories- the real stories of those around me... I love them more. 

Fall Love...

It seems like about right about now... we are all confessing our fall love.  The vibrant colors from nature, the crisp, clean air, the spicy (yet, subtle) smells coming from fall candles, baked goods, soups on the stove, cozy sweaters,  and the yummy tastes of the food that warms and nourishes our bodies and spirits.  I wonder why we love fall.  Maybe it is because it awakens our senses.  When my senses are awakened I am more sensitive to my own thoughts and feelings and when I am in awe of the beauty that surrounds me, I more freely feel gratitude and thank Heavenly Father for his amazing creations.  This makes me happy.  I am so grateful for the wonderful creations of our Heavenly Father.  I am grateful to experience the change of seasons that brings new life and rebirth to not only the earth but to my own spirit.  I remember in the fall of 1996 a month after we got married, Josh took me on a Sunday afternoon fall drive up Emigration Canyon.  Mind you, I had lived in Salt Lake City for 3 years already while attending the University of Utah, but I never really appreciated the nature that surrounded me. As we turned the corner at East Canyon, the scenery took my breath away.  I was in absolute awe of the fall colors.  It warmed my heart and soul and made me fall in love with where we lived and appreciate the earths magnificent beauty.   This year, 16 years later, we took our kids on the same drive.  I explained to them how I felt that first time I opened my eyes and saw these breathtaking colors on the mountain, I am sure they ignored me or thought, "Here she goes again", but I know one day they will open their own eyes, like I finally did,  and it will take their breath away and they will feel God's love through his beautiful creations.

Hello Again...

Lately I have been thinking I need to start writing again.  It brings peace to my soul and reminds me of the blessings that I have.  Since I wrote last- a lot, I mean... A LOT has happened.  Hmmm... where do I start?  Well.  I had a baby and now she is almost 10 months old... sniff, sniff.   It was a great surprise to find out I was pregnant.  Okay, I am lying.  When I first found out I was pregnant,  I was shocked, terrified, and confused.  I really thought we were done.  Yes, I always had the desire to have more babies (that will never, ever go away, right?) but the hubs was really done and I was resolved (for the sake of our marriage) that- okay... sigh... we were done!  In fact we just had given away all the baby stuff a few months before- making it the final step towards accepting to move on (although, I have to admit, I couldn't let go of the baby girl clothes, just yet:).   Then ... SURPRISE!  I found I was pregnant.  Well, needless to say, it has been such an amazing blessing.  Our cherry on top...Mary Katherine.  She is an absolute joy, and well, I can't imagine life without her- and I know my husband would say the same.  There were a few other things/ trials/ I mean- big trials that we have gone through- that were also very shocking and very surprising- and they too, have made our lives fuller and richer- in different ways.  It is amazing how life can throw you a curve-ball sometimes, but it is up to us to step aside and avoid it or hit it head on and perhaps hit an RBI or sometimes even a home run.  Life is anything but easy- the older I get, the harder it gets- but with the challenges and trials- it has opened my eyes to what is most important.... One of my favorite quotes lately is;

Have A Great Day!!